Okay so I got into a self pity self loathing stage for a while.
It doesn't really matter what happened and I am not going to go into it here (or anywhere). Shit happens to people all the time ... But I have been in a curse mode for some time now ... Life keeps on kicking me in the teeth, stabbing me in the back and pushing me down a pool of shit. Over and over. The moment I get up something kicks me back down, stepping on my throat. It is a third year now I can't catch a break. So I thought ... well ... maybe I should kill myself to get over with it ...
But after a few days, the fog is clear, the pain actually becomes a comfortable feeling of .... nothing ... and reality collapses in front of you revealing another reality ... Life can actually change towards ... well better (?) .... Erase and rewind. Get up again, fall down again, get back up. Eventually you will grow balls of steel and stand on them. There ARE worst thing in the world.
I can't say I will get out of this scar free, but as I said before, (before the shit actually hit the fan) I see the glass half full. Even when it is empty. And now my glass is fucking empty man ... hell there is no fucking glass. But in my darkness I am actually starting, (somewhere deep in the back of my head) to feel "excited" for the uncertainty of the future.
Suddenly I see open roads ... leading nowhere in particular ... but for now it is enough I see open roads ...
I now want to travel more than ever. I am dreaming of Christmas in New York, Alaska, Oregon, Chicago, London, Ontario ... (wherever there is a bed for me) But if I can afford any of this it will probably be London. But a girl can dream no? Besides ... if I actually go to the States, I will probably want to stay forever ... so that's no good ... London will do fine ... Keeping my fingers crossed!!!
By the by ... I am hoping I will have a demo finished by Halloween :D
“Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them will not make you cry.” Gabriel Garcia Marquez