Last year today, I moved out from lovely Söder and my then (lovely) boyfriend's apartment. To seek out new adventures in life :)
I moved out to this apartment
my post then was this :
I will celebrate with a Coffee Pinotage (never had that before). As soon as I finish preparing my humble goth nest for Her Majesty Nadia, who is visiting me tomorrow from mother England.
A year living "alone".
And I quote because I am actually renting a room, so I live "with" someone. But he is not a family member or a boyfriend. So for me this was huge step!!!
Moving away from the nest to another nest was not a good thing 10 years ago. (Even though I had a beautiful life)
But the fact is that, no matter how I got here, I really had to build my "own".
It is a sign of growing up they say.
Well I don't know If I grew up.
But I grew free.
And though still haunted by demons and my need to nurse wounded birds along the way, I am still doing this alone.
For the first time in my life I am really alone.
I mean. I do have a special someone in my life, but I am not depending on him (well ... sometimes my sanity is I guess). But, only I am choosing the color of my milk ...(I guess this is an inside joke with myself).
I have been down lately.
For various reasons.
No point going through them here.
But I realized that I fucking made it.
No one to support me.
Finally it is just me.
Me and myself against the world.
It might sound lonely ... and maybe sad.
But no one is granted to stay in your life forever.
It can ALL disappear in a blink of an eye, like a flash, like a heart attack ...
So, I take one day at the time. One day as it comes. One day as it goes.
And as I said before.
No plans. No plans, no expectations. No disappointments.
Sure, I have my obsessions.
My dark secrets.
My own personal Golgotha.
My sickening desire to give.
And give and give and give.
Until there is nothing left of me. Left for me.
So I start anew. Aaaaall over again.
And here I am.
A year of being alone.
It took 38 fucking years but I am finally fucking free.
The problem though is, that I am also free to choose my own poison.
And I poison myself everyday.
But at least ... I do it to myself...
Happy 1 year of being ... some sort of a grown up.
Happy 1 year in the new life.
It has been great and it has been horrible.
I hope it continues ...
to be something ....
I hope I get immune ...
Happy new year and newer beginnings :)