Anxiety and dreaming of the future.
I never really had this feeling before. I’ve had agony, despair , distress, anguish … but never, never, never, anxiety.
So, I am feeling somewhat uneasy and I have a constant worry of what the hell am I going to do … One could say I have a sleeping problem. But really I am just having boring dreams. (very unusual for me since my dreams are always Oscar worthy) Today I dreamt that I got out of bed, went to the kitchen and started making coffee. I said to myself “that’s it, wake up, this dream is not worthy of your living death" (sleep).
So THIS must be anxiety yes?
(I AM getting to the point soon, be patient I have to blabber just a little longer)
Oh sure, I would love to sit back relax and do nothing but write, paint and play music. But as we have established I am not a money maker in that department. I am not going to have that many fans, not enough to make a living out of it … And not because I am not any good, (No I am not modest either) but because I am not very likable. Ronnie would say: “Fans? What on earth do you mean? WE don’t even have any friends!”. I guess intolerance is my weak point.
And so I came back to plan B. Yes I always have a plan.
As a kid I always wanted my own toy store. Growing up I wanted my own video store (ah the 80s and the vhs). Then I started dreaming of a recording studio, but I kinda dislike musicians too. So then, in my twenties, I started dreaming of the absolute haven store, with clothes, shoes, hairdressers, tattoo artists, body piercers, and a big ass cat walk in the middle for all my friends to try clothes on and play around.
Now I started thinking about it more and more seriously and come to the conclusion that there would not be a better place for me to work and promote my art and the art of others ...
A studio where you could have a coffee, get a tattoo, get your whatevers pierced; a place were you could do your shoe and clothes shopping and maybe sit by the beautiful, fully stocked, library and read a book. Or just walk around and gaze at the beautiful paintings and photographs by various young artists - ready to be sold at very reasonable prices - A pool table and a few chess boards would be necessary of course, as well as a model-painting corner table for the R.P.G. geeks. (yeah, no model as in human model *throw up*. Model as in ... little figures)
I have so many ideas it is ridiculous, especially for the clothes department, I could go on and on for pages and pages ...
All this of course requires money; and since it requires A LOT of money, I would of course start small.
Boring I know ...
Yet, I’m going to need a loan. By the end of this month I am planning to finish with my papers and then I’m going to start looking for my options.
The big thorn however in my plan is that I am going to have to find a partner. Someone who is good at business, with experience (whatever that means) and someone who is willing to come in with a loan equal to mine (which the amount I don’t know yet).
(Very appropriate picture for the following text. A picture of me when I first moved in to Ronnie's old apartment. First thing I did ... painted everything black :p)This bothers me most of all, since I don’t know many people like that and boy am I difficult liking people. It must be someone with same taste like mine (look at appropriate picture. Wink wink.) and at least similar perspective of life. (again ... picture ...) I could never work with a hippie for example; and/or someone who calls them self “trendy” Ewwww. Just the thought made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Ew ... sour ...
I want to make something extreme or nothing at all ...
Because as Coco said: "In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different"