It is 29 days now I am in this crap dump.
Yes I am counting the days like a prisoner, the problem (one of many), is that a prisoner (most of the times) knows exactly when they are going to be released back to freedom. I, know nothing of the sort. Every day the doctors are doing tests and everyday they are failing, so every day they just tell me: “well we will have to wait and see” or “we will have to have a meeting all the doctors together and we’ll get back to you” (and when they say this, they get back to me, after I chase them, 2 days later. And then they do a test and fail yet again, and so on and so forth.
So I cannot start counting backwards. I can only count forward and every week say, this is the last week, this is the last day, this is the last hour. I feel like a prisoner of war. This feeling of not knowing is killing me.
So, while I do nothing else than go from the hospital to the apartment, everyday, I am trying to keep my mind busy so I won’t fall into depression or kill somebody.
Since I finished Good Omens, right before I left home, I brought with me the next Neil Gaiman book I want to read, “Anansi Boys”, but the thing is, I do not want to associate the book with this dreadful country, this dreadful time.
You see, every time I read a book I want it to remind me of beautiful things; Moments, places, pretty faces. Smells, colors, lights … and feelings that make me happy.
So I avoid reading and it gets to my nerves because I love reading. So I restrain myself reading articles and stories online, when and if I have internet access at the hospital, to get my reading fix.
So the other day, my friend Dim, got me thinking about Drive-in theatres. And I thought that America must be the only place that still has working Drive-ins and I did a little research and found this wonderful wonderful page driveinmovie.com . (This one is good too: driveintheatre.com) As I thought, California is one of the states that has the most Drive-ins left. And as I browsed around the remaining Drive-in theatres in northern California, I thought this is yet another thing I want to add to my trip in America one day. And as I was browsing about I got curious about the capitals of each state and I started reading more about them. That is how you kill time you see. You learn stuff. I am telling you, by the time I go back home, I will know by heart all 50 states and their Capitals by heart. I don’t know how useful it is (especially since I am not an American) but it is definitely impressive :p
I also realized I want to visit each and every one of them and bring with me a bottle of “something” and a stone from each state.
I don’t know when this is going to be but it is happening.
Moving along …
Writing, also takes my mind off of things. I have written a short story in the hospital. It is a bit abstract and needs a lot of editing but it could make a good script for a short movie. ( Any takers?)
In the evenings, when I go back to the apartment, I lie on the sofa, chat a bit with Dim and Chris and then I’m watching some TV stuff I brought with me to pass the time, empty my brain, and put me to sleep. So, 3 days ago I finished all 6 seasons of The L Word. Yep, I finished 6 seasons within 20 days. I am now fed up with boobies. I don’t want to see another boob for at least a month.
It would have been good If I also had The Sopranos with me. It is yet another TV series I have missed but I need time to watch from beginning to end L pfff The internet here sucks hairy ASS, so it will take more time to download all the seasons than actually watch them. Anyone here (in Athens) who has all 9 season of The Sopranos to amuse me with? (I even accept DVDs :p)
Yes, as you see my spirit is up today. I am really trying to keep myself together because, the situation is really dreadful. Even my allergy is back; the one that disappeared 8 years ago when I left this fucking place. (yes I am literally allergic to Greece)
So I am doing my best to stay sane.
My sister left last Thursday. I am going to go through hell and back and there again all by myself now. Yes, apparently she cannot sacrifice more days here because she has two problems she says … her job and her children. My eyes turned into my head, I saw my brain bulging. I felt my pulse fast on my jugular vein. My fist charged there for a moment … but I kept it together.
How long is she going to play this card I wonder. The “children” card. How long do I have to be punished because she has children? How long do I have to take the fall because of HER children? Why do I have to suffer for HER children? Why does she think that her family has more significance than mine? If there was a love-ometer that could calculate the love one feels for their family, I would win big time! But I wouldn’t punish her for it.
I said all this to my mother (who is back home with my sister’s shitty children taking care of them) and she said: “no they don’t have more value or significance than your family, but these kids have needs …” Ooooo MAN that made me so ANGRY!!! “What KIND of needs?” I said, are you fucking kidding me? “ The are 11 and 9 and YOU are there, making them cakes and cookies everyday (something you didn’t even do for me when I was a kid) and their bloody father is there” And she said … get this … she said: “They feel sad from time to time…..”
I think I had a small aneurism right there and I almost ate the fucking phone!
“And you think I DON’T? Or you think Ronnie does NOT?”
I’ve said it before many times and I am becoming tedious but … Fuck everyone with children or planning to have children if they are planning to use it as an excuse to get off their obligations and duty to others and society. Fuck them stupid!!!
No. I am punished enough now because SHE or any other bloody “she” decided to become a fucking mommy.
My mood is a bit like an elevator today.
One day I have to tell you about the Muslim doctor who listens to heavy metal and was hitting on me shamelessly while I was trying to get information about my father. Yeah it is true. The one moment we were talking about how long he has and if he has any, and the next he was trying to take me out clubbing, asking me if I listen to Heavy Metal. No I am not describing one of my weird dreams. Yeah … And then you wonder why I hate Muslims …
Shalom motherfuckers …