Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.) (lantichristo) wrote,
Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.)
lantichristo

Non-operable/non-resectable Metastatic Pancreatic Cancer

So it is official.
My father has non-operable/non-resectable
Metastatic Pancreatic Cancer.

On tuseday they are going to give us an appointment for a liver biopsy ( it has spread to the liver) to determine what sort of chemotherapy he will go under. It is as they call it a “comforting chemotherapy” Meaning, he has no hope.

I guess I knew it from they very beginning.

And since I suffer from the Kassandra complex, I knew it before it actually appeared.

When I took my father to the hospital last spring because he had hit his ribs really hard and we had to check if he broke them. (At the time he was here in Stockholm so I took him to the hospital here ) In the room with the doctor as I was translating for him I cot a glimpse of him with out his shirt on for the first time in years. And I suddenly saw a really old, really sick, really fragile man. And I thought, this does not look right. This looks very grave. But I snapped myself out of it pretty quickly and said to myself: “not again not this time”

In many occasions I have seen and felt the same thing with various people that are now dead. Same thing happened with Evi. Same thing happened with Sefanos ... with Michael … with George the junkie ( well he was a junkie so no big surprise there right?) Same thing with Dina, same thing with my uncle Lazarus…

Now I am not saying there is something supernatural going on here. Everyone who knows me knows I am a firm Nihilist and anything beyond this world is just Hollywood or just idiocy. I am just saying I had one too many coincidences enough to freak me out.

And now it happened again with my father.

My worst nightmare.

And for you who are religious … I have one thing to say:

“Thank you Jesus for fucking up my life once more you asshole!”

 

I now have to go pretend it will all be all right.

Fuck.




Tags: my father's illness
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