Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.) (lantichristo) wrote,
Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.)
lantichristo

I said I wouldn’t but I can't

I said I wouldn’t write about father this month … but it is bloody impossible …

So for father’s last birthday in life this Saturday …. we had cake and chocolates and songs ... He was out of it for most of it …

Later on we dressed him up with his new sweater and took him to a Greek restaurant with a live band playing old Greek songs that he and mother like.

He liked his food as much he could taste and he even had a zip of wine.

A whole hour and thirty minutes he stayed. Then he got really tired. So my sister called a taxi and took him home. Mom and I stayed. My mom was having a great time!!! It was the first time she went out for dinner since she moved to Sweden. And the last three months especially have been really hard on her.

Remember, she is living in a house with my sister’s family, plus now she has to live in the same house with a man she divorced over 32 years ago … Can you imagine? Plus she is bipolar and she is also on medication. Her psychiatrist told me that if her environment is calm and normal and she takes her medication she will never go through another crisis ever again.

Well … living with small awful children, a neurotic daughter, a son in law who you cannot talk to, because of the language, and you ex- husband who you stopped loving 50 years ago and divorced 30 years ago, who now is dying of cancer and needs intensive care …. cleaning his poop and cooking for him and serving him and  making his bed and cleaning his clothes and such … Well … I wouldn’t call that a calm environment … And I cannot think another woman doing something like that .. especially if she despises him … like my mother does … She feels sorry for him and wants to help but the pressure is immense … so one moment she curses the moment she met him and wants to stub him in the eye and the next her heart breaks and she gets depressed …

I think … She is a bloody saint …

So, yes, I stayed at the Greek restaurant with all the dancing Greeks and the Greek band and the Greek food and all the Greek shit I run away from usually … But I stayed because mama was having such a great time … She was drinking wine and she was swaying with the music and singing and smiling and was even checking out the dudes ;) She didn’t want to go until we closed down the place. I was exhausted but mom was ecstatic, so I was really happy too.

I took her home and she slept in my sofa. I let her sleep until 12:00. But then my sister called and wanted her to go home to cook for them ... She and her husband was going to go play tennis so mom had to go there early …

Doesn’t she sound terrible? My sister?

I think so too.

I mean she paid for the dinner and she let mom sleep out … but noooooooo she wouldn’t miss her TENNIS … she had to go … and the maid (my mother ) HAD to go and cook for them.

I hate this situation. I think my mother ought to just sit around all day and do nothing … But we end up being the good cop and the bad cop. How come am I always the good cop? I always wanted to be the bad cop. I mainly want people to fear me and I end up being a pushover … Well unless it has to do with my sisters horrible children … Oh they fear me alright!!! :p

Fuck that shit … I hate my fucking family …

Why couldn’t I have a normal family like my boyfriend’s?

His parents are divorced but they are normal. Well … they do not talk to each other … which I do not find normal at all … but well … nobody is perfect …

Pffffffffff

When I was 11 I wrote on my journal that as soon as I become 18 years old I will run away from home to some distant country and forget I ever existed there in that dreadful country with this terrible family. Many times I nursed the idea of running away with the circus (I have written an entry about this in the past here: The carnie)

I wonder … how would my life be if I’d done it …

I wonder … how would my life be if I was a lil more indifferent .. a lil more heartless, a lil more selfish, a lil more like … well … a lil more like most people I know …

Or what if I was genuinely good!!!?! Like my friend Vivi! She is genuinely a “good” human being!!! She never complains and she is always there for ANYONE who needs help!!!

Well but she is a phenomenal creature!!! What if I was a lil more like her? I wouldn’t be bothered when I am nice. I would probably not THINK that I am nice. So I would be content … just by giving …

Ah damn it all to hell ….

As Mr. Tom says : “Everything goes to Hell … anyway …”



Tags: dear diary, my father's illness
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