March 18th, 2009


Spring again ...

There is something beastly about spring.
Although it is still winter here - cold and rainy, snowy even - with not a single green on sight, I can feel spring coming. I can not smell it yet but I have all the symptoms.
My heart is racing in crazy moments and for no reason.
I am restless. I can’t sleep. I’m not that very hungry. I sigh a lot and my stomach is tied up in a knot like when you are falling in love with someone for the first time.
My fingertips are oversensitive and my sense of smell is insane.
I am most of the time lightheaded, plus I have wild cravings for drunkenness.
Not to mention the bombarding of words inside my head. Words I simply must write down or I’ll go mad.

I wrote a new song today plus I think I am finally finishing my “Monster” epos. Yes the one I started in 2001. It is not that long really. I have reached around 200 verses (in groups of 4 and 6) and I think I will write 16 or 32 more max. (or will I?). Oh and the “Pig Queen” is finished. Although it needs a touch up.

In any case, I have all these symptoms and a desire, a desire for something.
I don’t know what is … this … something; but it always, and only, comes in spring time. I feel like an unfinished sentence. Like an incomplete verse.
“I want …” but I don’t know how to finish it … because I don’t know what is it that I want …
It is a great desire … just a desire.
(There was a band in the old country, their name was “Magic de Spell”, they had a song called “Desire”. One day I will make a cover of that song and I will sing it only in spring.)

I tried to explain it but it is impossible. I tried to write about it; even more difficult. I always end up writing some maudlin poem about lilies or shit.
Yes, there is something brutally primeval about spring …
Only spring.
My favorite season is undoubtedly winter; but nothing, nothing and no one makes me feel like spring.
That desire, that yearning, that longing.
So, un-satisfyingly satisfying. Yet not satisfying at all.
I am now longing for the full effect.
When spring comes for real and all the flowers are blooming all around.
And it smells like spring on the ground, the air, the trees.
And it smells as if every molecule of existence is having sex.
And the temperature is in that turning point when it is not cold, yet it is not really warm either; and it is 8 in the evening but it feels like 4 in the afternoon because the sun is still up in the sky; the night birds are singing and the night flowers open up filling the air with their scent; and the Scandinavian breeze is stroking my face as I take my evening run down by the harbour.
Oh how I long for the full throttle of spring.


Since you’ve been gone

Since you’ve been gone I moved in with my boyfriend, learnt another language and rode a watercoaster. It was scary. All of it.

Since you’ve been gone I’ve colored my long black hair … blond. Then red. Then blond again. Then I took the scissors one day and cut it all really short and bleached it almost white. Then red again. Now I’m thinking of growing it back.

Since you’ve been gone I’ve written about 7 to 8 thousand verses. Some about you.

Since you’ve been gone I’ve been riding my bicycle until my sister took it. Then I remembered how much I love swimming, especially in the winter. I used the sauna quite a few times in the beginning but I quickly grew tired of it. Then I didn’t have the money for the fancy pools anymore and I refuse to go to a small crowded pool. So I’ve quit smoking and running became a regular activity for me. It is for free. Not to mention cathartic.

Since you’ve been gone I began enjoying the sunlight and warm afternoons. I started drinking red wine and got into Ale tasting. I learnt how to cook. Very well I might add. I’ve initiated into gardening and restored my interest to collecting rocks. I started learning German again. And quit … again.

Since you’ve been gone I’ve talked to 3 strangers. One of them was yesterday and I’m trying to forget all about it.

Since you've been gone I have fallen in love once and have lied to you once.

Since you’ve been gone I’ve stopped learning Spanish. I saw no point to it anymore. I haven’t seen Manu Chao again. I don’t know if I could handle it. He has covered, yet another of his old tracks. It’s getting tedious.

Since you’ve been gone I played pool once too many times with the dudes. I suddenly just stopped. Maybe the fact that I quit smoking has something to do with it. Playing pool, drinking and chain-smoking was a set. I just couldn’t break it. Now that I think of it I haven’t been near a pool table since I've quit smoking. Sad. Then I began to follow snooker championships on TV. Passionately. Then I got bored. Like with most things I feel passionate about ... after a while I get bored ... how on earth am I keeping a 6 year relationship ... only Zeus knows.

Since you’ve been gone I’ve watched about 700 movies. I went to school again, studied designing arts and finished my English classes.

Since you’ve been gone I’ve meet 4 cats and 3 dogs. I don’t own any.

Since you’ve been gone I got engaged in the ruins of a castle in Gotland.

Since you've been gone I've discovered a few new artists. You would adore Voltaire!

Since you've been gone I’ve been making a great effort to keep up with my new hobbies because I lose interest easily if I have to do one thing at a time. And I don’t think I can run all the while taking care of a cactus, polishing a rock and tasting Belgian Ale. Running drunk with a cactus in one hand and a rock in the other … can you draw that picture?

Since you've been gone I’ve become a day person. And gave up
coke. Who would have thought huh?

Since you've been gone my parents realized that I will always be a goth and it is not just a phase anymore. I
will always wear black and if their x-mas lame presents like: sheets, pillowcases or towels, aren’t black, they will always find their way to the trashcan. Because if I didn’t change in my 20s why would I in my 30s?

Since you've been gone I have been more compassionate with my father (He is just an old sad man after all) and my mother had 4 manic episodes, so I though of studying psychiatry, but I grew really weary of it after 4 books about the brain functions in 3 different languages. It took a bit the magic away you know. Everything we say or do have absolutely nothing to do with real desire or real feelings … it is all so … primal.

Since you've been gone I’ve been to the doctor twice. It will be three times in a week from today.
Since you've been gone I’ve had that T-shirt on 4 times. It always reminds me of you and that night. That night that turned into morning, into afternoon, into evening; with no sleep and no food; with lots of coffee and cigarettes. I haven’t had a day like that with anyone. The day you told me everything. Later on that day I slept in your bed. I remember looking at your boots placed nicely by the mirror. I remember your black fluffy dress in the corridor.

Since you've been gone I have seen your face on the street, on TV, in my dreams, so many times; even if I wanted to I couldn’t forget it.
Since you've been gone I have been less and more. And can’t forget to remember your voice.

Since you’ve been gone I haven’t been back.

Since you've been gone I haven’t seen Siouxsie once, and I still haven’t watched the Mylene DVDs you gave me a year before you were gone. It makes me feel that I would have to let you know if I liked them or not and ... you won’t be around to tell you. I remember you told me to watch them and not forget them in some drawer. Now I don’t know if I will ever watch them.

Since you've been gone I’ve become more racist but less angry. I’ve become more friendly but less of a friend.

Since you've been gone I have missed you like no other. Dead or Alive.

Since you've been gone I have been talking to you.

Since you've been gone it has been 5 years, 10 months and 29 days.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a hard-core a Nihilist so I could ask you …

What have you been doing since I've been gone?