November 22nd, 2009

Karl Ruprecht Kroenen

Block. Family. Alaska.

And then there are those times you cannot figure out what is blocking you.

You just cannot put your finger on it. Is it too much information? Is it not enough information? Is it the sleepless nights, or perhaps too much sleep, that drain all your energy and hide it to some secret place far far away from you?? Is too much coffee, or not coffee at all, that give you the migraines? Is it writers block or sheer boredom the reason you cannot put a single fucking word on paper. The pages remain blank and your brain filled with thoughts that somehow it is impossible to turn into words. Or is it incompetence?

And life goes on and you fall into a loop and you get out of the loop and you see the world standing still and it makes you feel terrible so you want to get back into the loop. And before you know it you are in an out of this goddamned motherfucking loop only to realize you’ve created a loop within a loop within a loop within a loop …

Yes, I don’t think I am going to be finishing “E.M.G.T.B.” any year now. I started it in 2001. It seems unlikely I will finish it within this decade.

Maybe I need this long vacation I was talking about. Somewhere, in some North Pole, or South Pole Station. Maybe I could find the “time” there …

I am surrounded by family now. I runaway from the old country only to be followed by hordes of family. It is driving me insane. Where do I have to go to be alone?

I love my mom. I do. And the others … But I don’t want to be surrounded by them all the time. Sometimes I wish I lived two centuries ago. When families spread allover the world, exchanged a few dozen letters and never saw each other again.


Yes, I am selfish I know!


I love me too much to spend all my time … on them.

Actually, I don’t want to spend almost any time on them. Not anymore. No, no more. I now had enough.

I want to be with myself , I say I want to be with my boyfriend, but that's a lie. I can't really stand him. Why am I still living with this person? I need an exit. Most of the time I crave for isolation. But, I almost never crave for company … Maybe the company I need is not ... a possibility. Ii has to do with the desire? No, I don’t “pine away in my ivory tower”. I love my ivory tower, I am having a blast in my ivory tower, me myself and I. Yes it is nice sometimes with people. People I actually like. But … in moderation.

These two dreadful months in Greece drained me dry. I lost a little of myself and I lost a lot of my patience. I try not to talk about that trip and what it did to me. I prefer to talk about some good moments with friends or not talk about it at all. But when I get furious in a split of a second, it makes people around me wonder “Is she a crazy person?” I even yelled at my sister. For the first time in my entire life. For the first time I told her “no”. I yelled some … and hung up the phone.

Now I ‘m better. I think I’m learning to control my anger. But, I still have no patience. For nothing. For no one.

It is such a shame Ronnie doesn’t want to volunteer in some environmental stupid hippy program somewhere in Alaska for a year.

I would have gone at the drop of a hat.