September 28th, 2010

lips

Father's Cancer progressing …

Father is in pretty bad shape. Every day we give him higher doses of morphine.

The hallucinations started now. But the pain never goes away completely.

And now whatever he eats he almost immediately throws it up.  

Today he told me: “The time is coming. But I wish we could do something so that I don’t suffer …To I die peacefully”

One thing brings to the other. Too much morphine gives you hallucinations, nausea and constipation. Constipation give you belly pain. The medications for the constipation give you more nausea. Nausea leads to vomit. Vomiting everything  you eat leads to malnourishment, that leads to extreme fatigue and weakness. And in a state like this, a chemotherapy will most probably accelerate the disease rather than delay it.

We are supposed to tell him to enjoy his last moments in life … but how?

The doctors are striving for fast solutions to every problem that comes up … but everyday there are new problems … new pain, new malfunctions …

“The time is coming. But I wish we could do something so that I don’t suffer… To I die peacefully”

“I did not expect such a violent ending …” he said …

I don’t react as I should anymore …

I do not believe I am having these conversations … I do not believe it …

It feels like a dream …

Like the dream I had last night … I dreamt again I was at my father’s house in Athens and as usual I got attacked by cockroaches and someone had stolen the wheels from my father’s car … and the house was being demolished while we were in it.

I had this dream again 6 months ago. Before the real nightmare started … So last night I thought it was 6 months ago and that all of this never happened … that I would wake up and it would be March and everything would be right again …