March 10th, 2011

Gloom

nightmares ...

 Yesterday I had this really weird dream. But at the same time it was the first time since my father's death that I dream of him as if nothings has happened. It was a weird dream because apart from my father, my mother's brother Lazarus was also in the dream. HE also died a slow and painful death of cancer. So seeing them going about the house, making jokes was very ... nice actually. I made my hole day brighter after I woke up. For the first time I didn't have a nightmare.  But today I had a nightmare again.
Father came from the dead as a zombie and he didn't know he was dead an my sister was freaking out and she asked me to tell him because she couldn't!
Sounds familiar? 
I am always the one who does the dirty work.
So I had to tell my dad that he was dead and that he had to let us go and go back to the land of the dead. And he was crying and holding my hand.
Of course I had this dream. If I don't knock myself unconscious I can not fall asleep right away in my bed (cause I fall in the sofa I tell you that). So when I toss and turn in the bed like a worm. I think of father. And I feel like dying.  And of course I have nightmares. But today I was so disappointed because yesterday's dream gave me so much hope. That I'm getting better. I can't get over it, but I'm getting better. I thought.
I don't know what to do anymore ... His face taking his last breath is haunting me ... his cold hands ...
knit

knit a pillar knit a killer ...

I am knitting this ...
No it's not a caterpilar or a pillar or a thriller or a thing that rhymes with killer.
It's a fuzzy wuzzy scarf .... if you eat it .... errrr .... you wil barf :p






knit


purl


Yes I have to cut off these nails ... they grow like there is no tomorrow ...





This is my neck-warmer finished by the way



Aaaaaaand I got my some green thread to make something forSaint Patrick’s Day:D