November 18th, 2011

Karl Ruprecht Kroenen

fuck ...

dear diary ...
I got all sad and fucking depressed all of a sudden.
What the hell is it with the fucking mood swings!?
Fuck me in the ear man!
This is driving me fucking insane.
One minute I am cool by the pool and the next I want to open the balcony door, take a few steps back and fucking run and jump ...
Or do something really crazy ...
What the hell?
How can one build up a life and then tear it to shreds and start all over again without any fragments stuck in their eyes?
It is fucking impossible.

I know first hand that no matter how much of a Je m'en fous-tist you are, your life will come to bite you right in the ass.
One shouldn't rip their life apart. They should take some time to think and put each feeling in its rightful place. It's not fucking ok to just walk away.
I'll be ok though. It is just some moments that make me feel that I really do not want to build anything ever again.
I'll just roam by this fucking life like a gypsy ... like a carny ... like the carny that I am deep down. Under this person who likes to shower and wants to buy a flat and have possessions, there is a dirty gypsy that lives in a caravan and has nothing.
Inconveniently convenient. People show no mercy for the weak at heart. And they shouldn't. It IS after all the survival of the fittest. Who the fuck am to flirt with a different notion?
I am so fucking tired of everything.
I'm tired of having to explain.
Having to pretend.
Having to struggle.
Having to accept.
Having to bluff my way in life and claim I'm like the others.
And you have no idea how trivial I find it all.
All of it.
I, who never found anything trivial.
I hear them talk sometimes ... They make me stoop ... I need to stoop to fucking communicate ..
Fucking earthlings ...
Mother ... fucking ... earthlings ...
I have no desire to be around this for long ...
I really can not take much more of this death ...
You call me pretentious and pompous ...
I just gracefully reply: fuck off.
I have to live among them ... those fucking earthlings who's brain just stays around their earthly needs and nothing more ... sleep, eat, fuck, poop and pee.
Sleep however, eat whatever, fuck whoever ...
"And who the fuck you think you are you delusional bitch?"
I am all you are not.
I am all they are not.
And I will never be something I'm not.

Yes I know ... this was really deep ...

How long do I have to pretend?
Yes, of course I think I am better than you.
No, I know I am better than you.

We die the same.
We don't fucking have to live the same.
Grant me that.