February 24th, 2012


The ramblings of an observer ...

Always have myself to depend on.
Lean on.

It's funny. When one starts feeling safe enough with others to share, things turn around.
It has always been like this.

Because no matter what. Everyone who gets close enough will eventually start asking for your soul.

Give give give give it all.
And ask nothing in return.
And the closer they get, the more they ask of you. Ask, complain, ask and complain and demand and nag, and never appreciate and never see you as equal.
Because now you are obligated to give.
Because now you got to prove your love and dedication by being the one to sacrifice any dream who's picture didn't have them in it.
Because no it is not about you anymore.
No. THEY are in the picture now so you got to adjust yourself.
Arrange yourself.
Rearrange yourself. 
Wear the 2 size smaller shoes. Crouch and walk in the shadow.
Don't sleep, don't eat, don't think of yourself.

Since you opened the door, you must turn down the wall.
And merge two lives together even if they don't belong.
Merge two lives together even if they can't adjust.
And Miss compromise comes along to kill the last shred of dignity you've got left.
Squeeze two lives together in a small shitty apartment. Because ... you'll HAVE to soon enough.

But they want more. They want it all. All or nothing. Even though you have already made the compromise to settle for half.

Funny how ... I must always be perfect and perfectly giving.
When some, make no effort to even be somewhere in the middle for you.
My way is the only way for me. Not you. Me.
My way is my life.
Why can't we walk in parallel lines?
Why do we always have to cross, merge or attach?
Cause society wants us to? Logic wants us to? Or is it you?

And once they feel good, they don't want the inconvenience of an argument. Though it is fiercely demanded of you.

Funny we are. Is it all in the name of loneliness? Or is it vanity that starts it all?
But isn't this the point?
To find someone nice that you can stand to be around with till you drop dead together?

Yet we meet along the way, make friends, make lovers, make babies, make pets, make art, make a life ...Do we ever meet half way meanwhile? Do we really?
There will always be someone feeling cheated. That someone is probably the one with the less love in their heart ... who know nothing about taking by simply giving ...

Home is where the heart is. Home is wherever I am with you. Says the song. Perhaps. Perhaps this is true for some people.

They key is to be able to stand one another ...

I have been in "merging" when i couldn't stand the other half ... why did i stay?
But compromise equals death.
Yet we all do it. More or less.

I guess the perfect merge would be when two parties do not have the need to compromise ...
Yes. If I could clone myself. I'd gladly keep the deal.

Still. It always happens when you are feeling safe.
I guess safe is another word for death.

Well I am just rumbling here.
I have my day off so I'm just having my evening coffee before I go do some mundane grocery shopping. Which I can actually turn into a fun activity.
Always positive thinking ...

Life is good.
It will always be lonely.
But it can be good.
It can be fun.
But even when you are with those you love. Even if you know there is someone out there that loves you deeply...
Make no mistake.... You are alone.
But that is fine.
For me, this is a fact. I realized it when I was five years old. I have a very vivid memory of that first thought ... looking at the dirt in the ground while burying a baby kitten I found in an abandoned building near the park I was playing at.
Poor little kitten.
Dead of starvation ... one of many ...
Looking at it, smelling the rotting flesh under the hot mediterranean sun ... waving away the fat flies of august. That moment, I realized, I will always be alone ...
I will not elaborate on why and how I came to this thought ... A child's thoughts are not wise, yet they are primitive and raw and often ... true.

So make sure to like yourself.
Make sure to take care of yourself.
Make sure to treat yourself nice.
Love yourself.
Yourself will never ruin your day :D
That, is a fact.

I think now ... it is time to accept it yeah?

I see you when I see you ...   then.