July 29th, 2012


thinking out loud ...

Last night I met a friend. Long talk and a little wine. Talk about nothing. Talk about everything.
She seems ok. She thinks I seem ok too.
I slept in a little girl's room. All pink and glittery with pink and glittery princes-dresses hanging from the wall.
I had all pink and glittery dreams in that tinny bed with the tiny sheets and the tiny pillow, feeling like Alice ....

'Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, THAT'S the great puzzle!'

As I woke up on the hello kitty sheets I was taken by this feeling of ... meh.

Some say people don't change.
Some say they do.
I guess they do and they don't. Judging from myself, I have changed ... yet not so much ...
I may have grown and followed this direction in life rather than that , yet, me, my inner being, my childhood memory me; is still the same.
I find the same beauty on a tree like the very first tree I saw in my life. I feel the same awe to the sight of a snowflake like the very first time I lay my eyes on one. I find the same agony and longing in my heart with thoughts that only I can interpret to myself. And I still find that no matter how I try to find others, I will always be my only ally.

You see, no matter how you try to find the one. That one. The only one. The other one ... The further you get from yourself.
From reality. You are losing yourself in a dream, an idea. And then you wake up. And you try to find yourself again. And start all over again. Picking up where you left off.
There is no one.
There is noone.
This is your choice. Your only choice. Your decisions are your own. No one else decides for you. No one is here to save you. Change you. Or protect you. You are here on your own.
We all are. And if you are lucky to find someone who gives two shits about you, then let them do just that.
But do not expect miracles ... People are fundamentally self centered. Their pain hurts the most.
Go with that knowledge and you'll be happy to know me. Happy to know her. Happy to know him. Happy to know anybody, who gives two shits about you.

" ... If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't ..."