Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.) (lantichristo) wrote,
Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.)

Dear diary ... I'm still here

Things are changing everyday.
A constant nagging in the back of my head says: "I shouldn't be here"
A constant nagging in the back of my head says: "Jump. Cut. Use the motherfucking rope"
I ignore it as I go ... but it keeps on returning.

I put on my "pink" glasses to see everything "rosy".
And I do.
For a while.
Then I think it is gone. Because you are here.
But you seem to be occupied in your head by irrelevant frivolous trivialities.
And who am I to say what is important?
Who am I to say what matters?
I care more about objects than beating hearts.
But my beating heart ... cares too much... or too little.
And it seems I am asking for too much.
And I push you away. I scare you away.
I ask for too much. I ask for TOO much.
But you see ... I'm fed up with not asking for anything at all ...
Compromised relationships lead to a slow disguised death.
And all around us there are deaths such as these ...
And then you find yourself turning your head and rolling up your eyes to the bullshit you hear from your "dearest".
I do not want this to happen to us.
To sit across the table from you wishing I could run. (I do not wish this for us)
To turn on the television first thing in the morning instead of spending these moments in bed with you in my arms.
To stop writing about you.
To stop thinking about you.
To care about others more than about you.

Am I asking for too much?
My "all or nothing" attitude never gave me enough... so I guess I AM asking for too much ...

I am just afraid I will be too tired to try one day.

And no one can come close enough anymore.

It is all my fault.

Someone broke me.
You know that very well.
But the death of my recent past reanimated something from the old me.
A good part of myself that was tacked away in a suffocating happy medium.
A muted mutated mutilated other me.

You brought that out.

Don't kill it.

I am now on the edge ...

Don't kill it.

Tags: dear diary, henrik

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