I am now at my mom´s. Waiting for her to finish a pie she is baking for me.
Mother is watching football and the cat is lazily stretching in the sofa.
I had a stressful and sad weekend.
But I do hope that things will get better from now on.
Things just need to find their place.
Feelings to get sorted.
Priorities to be more clear.
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but it's not true. I can learn. I hope he can too.
I have changed towards both directions, bad and good ... I hope I can get rid of the bad and embrace the good.
I WILL get better. I know.
I've done it before.
I hope he does too.
I know when things go wrong they go wrong for quite some time.
But then things MUST go right.
Starting to feel I need to fight or give up.
I am not a quitter.
There is an essential need for closeness. Understanding. Safety.
After I've suffered so much loss,too much loss ... I can't help but be on the edge. Permanently, seems like, on the edge.
With a sharp pain in my heart that refuses to go away.
An open wound. Constantly bleeding out. Love, patience, understanding, empathy, kindness ... bleeding it all out ... And by the end of every day I feel drained. Exposed. Furious. Incomplete.
By the end of every day I feel the freezing eye of abandonment staring at me. Lurking. And every morning winking at me. As if it speaks, saying. "I am here. Not close. But close enough"
I know I can not REALLY get along with human beings. No matter how much I try. And it is ok to be alone.
I realize I'm a freak.
I realized I was a freak when I still was a toddler ...
But I hate feeling lonely. And since recently when I'm not around him, I feel rather lonely, (more often than not) I guess I really want to get along with that particular human.
But I have a rotten way of showing it ...
I have been patient, silent and stoic for most of my life ... after so many tragedies, I guess I should feel lucky that the only change in my personality is sudden and uncontrollable anger waves.
Control. Control. Control.
I can't lose it again.
I can't afford to lose it again.
Time to reevaluate.
Take myself back to what I was.
And stay there.
Preferably ... with him.