It is time again.
April is full of joy and full of sorrow.
As long as there are people who remember … people never die …
My darling Evi left nine years ago.
Every year I write this letter to her and let her presence consume me for one day.'
The letter is not a work of poetry. It is just a letter. A letter I would write to my friend if she had move to the mountains and decided to live inside of a tree forever, but she’d allow me to send her one letter every year.
The letter is almost the same every year ... it alters with the changes in my life.
I know she’d love it here. So I take her with me in my head, to my favorite places and I read my letter to her.
I drink with her and listen to her favorite songs.
Then I try to remember her laughter. And when I do, I smile again, and let her go.
I hope, all of you out there, who knew her, or were once her friend, her family, her lover ... are thinking of her today and are celebrating the beautiful creature Evi was!
Celebrate her beautiful brief life, and drink to her name!
I also add the video I made for her some time ago. One might find it corny but it's all I got and it's full of symbolism for my love for her.
Playing the song that will always remind me of her. Till the day I die.
My letter this year:
Since you've been gone, I've started my life allover from zero twice!
Since you’ve been gone, I moved in with that boyfriend, learnt another language and rode a water-coaster. It was scary.
All of it.
Since you’ve been gone, I got engaged, got betrayed, got let down, got brokenhearted. Thought I'd die.
I met a new boyfriend instead. Fell in love! Moved out. Moved on. Moved in a place on my *own, and I got engaged to be engaged ...
(*I am way over 30 and got a roommate. How beatnik of me.)
Since you've been gone I've had two jobs. The second one I love.
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve changed the color of my hair three times, cut it all really short and bleached it almost white. Now I’m growing it all back and it's the witch's red.
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve written about 7 to 8 thousand verses.
Some about you.
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve been riding my bicycle until my sister took it.
Since you’ve been gone, I learnt how to swim, walked on frozen lakes, pet a spider, touched a bumblebee, started drinking my coffee black, saw dinosaur bones, tasted peanut butter, found my libido.
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve quit smoking and started running. It is for free. Not to mention cathartic. (I know you’re laughing)
Since you've been gone, I have walked many miles.
Since you've been gone, I've met my brother thrice.
Since you’ve been gone, I began enjoying the sunlight and warm afternoons. I started drinking red wine and became a beer-snob (who knew yeah?)
Since you’ve been gone, I learnt how to cook.
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve initiated into gardening and restored my interest to collecting rocks.
Since you’ve been gone, I started learning German again. And quit … again.
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve talked to 8 strangers.
The latest one became my boyfriend.
Since you've been gone, I have fallen in love twice and have lied to you once.
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve stopped learning Spanish. I saw no point to it anymore. I haven’t seen Manu again. I don’t know if I could ever handle it.
Since you’ve been gone, I've played pool maybe 15 times. Darts once, mini golf once, and frisbee more times than I can count.
Since you’ve been gone, I've followed snooker championships on TV , passionately. Then I grew tired of it. (me and sports ey?)
Since you've been gone, I have taken some really beautiful photographs and discovered one new photographer. You would love her I'm sure!
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve watched about ... now let me see ... 900 movies.
I went to school again, studied designing arts and finished my English classes.
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve met 7 cats and 3 dogs. I don’t own any. But my mother does.
Since you've been gone, I've discovered a few new artists. You would adore Voltaire and The Coffinshakers!
Since you've been gone, I've learnt how to knit (now I KNOW you are making fun of me)
Since you've been gone I’ve been making a great effort to keep up with all my hobbies, because I lose interest easily if I have to do only one thing at a time.
And I don’t think I can run all the while taking care of a cactus, knitting a scarf, taking pictures, polishing a rock and tasting an American IPA.
Running drunk with a cactus and a set of knitting needles in one hand, with a rock and a camera in the other … sounds a lot like a nightmare.
Photography though is still my constant. And it reminds me a lot of you. Many times I feel the need to show you my work.
Since you've been gone, I’ve become a day person. And gave up coke. (well, the large amounts anyway)
Since you've been gone, I've met P. twice. The one time we drunk to your name a whole afternoon.
Since you've been gone, my parents realized that I will always be a weirdo and it is not just a phase anymore. Because if I didn’t change in my 20s why would I in my 30s?
Since you've been gone, I have been more compassionate with my father. He is just an old sad man after all.
Since you've been gone ... I lost my father to cancer ... I really know now how much you've suffered.
Since you've been gone I have fallen into deep depression twice ...
Since you've been gone my mother had 4 manic episodes.
I though of studying psychiatry but I grew really weary of it after 4 books about the brain functions in 3 different languages.
It took a bit the magic away you know. Everything we say or do, have absolutely nothing to do with desire or feelings … at least not the way we think ... it is all so chemical, so primal.
Since you've been gone, I came back twice;
Once to bring my mother home, to live near us.
She is now living here in Stockholm in her own flat with her cat.
And the second time I came back to bring my father home... to die with us ...
He is now buried in the same cemetery Gretta Garbo is resting. I guess he would be pleased to know.
I pass that cemetery almost twice a week. But since his death I've been there only thrice. The one time was the funeral, the other his birthday and the last was his memorial.
Since you've been gone, I’ve been to the doctor four times.
Since you’ve been gone, I danced rock n roll with a rockabilly dude - in Athens. (yeah yeah, make fun all you want)
Since you’ve been gone, I have removed three people from my past and added three.
Since you’ve been gone, two things have become very clear to me; I can never have a friend like you again, and one don't get to be family with another just because they share blood. You just have to "earn" this title, this privilege!
Since you've been gone, I learnt to bake apple-pies.
Since you've been gone, I got to my possession three clothing items that are pink. I wore the one in public once.
Since you've been gone, I've met N. online. He made me cry and smile. He made me remember so much about you. He made me get close to you again.
Since you've been gone, I’ve had that T-shirt on 8 times.
It always reminds me of you and that "sandalwood day"!
When the night turned into morning ... into afternoon ... into evening. With no sleep and no food. With lots of coffee and cigarettes...
I haven’t had a day like that with anyone...
That day ... the day you told me everything.
Later on that day, I slept in your bed. I remember looking at your boots placed nicely by the mirror. The mirror reflecting your room, your make up, your trinkets and beautiful belts.
I remember your black fluffy dress in the corridor.
How I’d love to see you in it...
Since you've been gone, I have seen your face on the street, on TV, in my dreams, so many times; even if I wanted to I couldn’t forget it.
Since you've been gone, I have been less and more.
And can’t forget to remember your voice.
And I still haven’t watched the Mylene DVDs you gave me a year before you were gone.
It makes me feel that I would have to let you know if I liked them or not and ... you won’t be around to tell you.
I remember you told me to watch them and not forget them in some drawer or throw them away...
Now I don’t know where I've put them.
Since you've been gone, I have recorded four songs, saw a wolverine, got a violin and saw farm animals up close.
Since you've been gone, I've read too many books to count, but at least 9 of them you would love to read too.
Since you've been gone, I have worked a lot on my anger. I still don't suffer fools, but I've learnt to show mercy.
My dear soul sister ...
Since you've been gone I’ve become more of a misanthrope but less angry.
I’ve become more friendly but less of a friend.
Since you've been gone, I have become more compassionate, yet less tolerant.
Since you've been gone, I have finally become a woman. But I will always be a child.
Since you've been gone, I have missed you like no other.
Since you've been gone, I have been talking to you … often...
Since you've been gone, it has been 9 whole years. It feels a life time ... yet it feels like yesterday ...
"What have you been doing … since I've been gone?"
Sometimes I wish I could ask you: