It kept me going for the whole day and whole night. I felt fucking good!!!!!
Today I am totally fucked up again. My stomach is tied to a knot. There is a constant burn in my chest and a gripping agonizing tingling pain in my heart. Plus I feel as if I have tried to swallow a tennis ball that has previously been inside a bucket of oil and now it is stuck half way down my throat.
I am at work and I hate working Saturdays.
I love my job but when I am like this I get severely agoraphobic and just can't STAND being around people. I get faint and feel like everything will go black and I will die on the spot. That is why now I am fucking paralysed in the chair in the office ... I must get up and do some serious stuff but I just can not fucking move!!!
I have one pill that could help me. But I am saving it for Monday. Boy I dread this coming Monday. Unless I go to the studio (which is the only thing that gives me strength to go on with life right now)
And it is SUCH a beautiful day outside!!! Honestly. One of the most pretty autumn days. If my heart was not in pieces I would say that the weather today makes me happy.
All I want is to be outside in the beautiful fall weather and enjoy the autumn sun on my face.
And not feel so goddamn alone.
Maybe all I need is a sentimental lobotomy?!
Is there such a thing?
Can anyone help me become a cold heartless bitch?
Do you have any tips?
Should I actually medicate myself?
Because in the final fucking analysis, meds make you think that all is fine if you are actually unhappy. OR, they actually numb the hell out of you and you feel nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch.
Today, after work, the day might turn to something good.
It just might.
That is why I am kinda looking forward for this weekend to finally start.
Now I am going to make a huge effort to go and make some coffee and count 2 hours and 30 more motherfucking minutes of this torture.
P.S. By the way I forgot to mention that my uncle died. My father's last bloodline. I got more sad than I expected. I didn't shed a tear for him though. He was a horrible man and a raging alcoholic. But nobody deserves to die alone. He died alone in a hospital. Sad. I thought of some, good memories I suppose, connected to him and father.
Now my sister flew down to greece and she is trying to figure out what the hell we're gonna do with the body and then with the house that we must shut down.