Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.) (lantichristo) wrote,
Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.)

In my mind/heart ... lately ...

In a post ... some odd years ago ... I wrote about inconsistency
I very much feel like this right now ... the constant inconsistency in my life is somewhat keeping me stably unstable.

I keep going back to that entry and realize, more and more, the significance of the content.
And without knowing it ... The carnie is haunting me.

Especially this part :

"... Inconsistency can drive me insane.

Then again, routine has never been my friend either.
Therefore, I do not keep one for too long.
I seem not to keep habits and such notions for long either. I obtain passions.
Yes. I get obsessed with one "thing", whatever that may be, and suckle on it like a hungry baby fox on its mother's bosom.
I drain it dry.

Then all of a sudden, I get bored and start looking for my next victim.
I shouldn’t say victim though. Because whatever it is, I give it my all.
For a little while, it is the center of my universe. It is my reason to live.
IT, is my only true desire! The reason I wake up in the morning.

- And there is a constant craving.
Is this familiar? This desire? THIS, desire?
This craving ... This Wanting ... This Longing ... This Yearning ... this ... -

I treat everything and everyone in the same manner!
Well, that, is consistency!

When I find a new passion I will see through it all the way.
And the whole time I’m into it I will be completely devoted.
It will be my last thought before I close my eyes.
It will be in my every waking thought, in my dreams, in my blood.
But when I’m tired of it, it will quickly become irrelevant.
It will become dispensable, replaceable.
This, is consistency.

Maybe this is my routine.
I am dependably undependable.
Reliably unreliable.
Constantly inconsistent.
Yet, I want everything and everyone around me in a constant infinite line..."

and by the by ... IT is going smoothly now ...
effects need no effects to take effect ... wink wink :)

last few sessions went well ...

we are marching on ...

Tags: dear diary, music, writing

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