Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.) (lantichristo) wrote,
Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.)

Almost four years later ...

So here we are again.
Almost four years later.
My father's "ghost" still walking side by side with my shadow.
Today it is his birthday.
I've said it before and I will keep on saying it, people gone are not gone forever, as long as we remember them they never die.
The day of his death, in a couple of weeks from now, made all my Novembers, from now to my end, a month of mourning and self loathing.
But October is still a "happy" month. Still a month of celebrations, holidays, traditions, birthdays, winter solstice and the beginning of the dark season that I love so much!

Father hated his birthday. Hated growing old. But most of all he hated the idea of being alone that day.
"I wish you will always have someone close to you on your birthday my birdy" He used to say.
Only father called me "birdy", and somehow I found great comfort in it.
"But I will always have you daddy-o" I used to reply. And then, I used to hear those words all parents, almost sadistically, like to repeat to their children, as if there is some kind of secret code so to compel you to always feel in dept to them. "I won't be around forever birdy"
I always dismissed the idea because ... Of course he would be around forever. My father was a superhero, immortal, the only man on this planet that would always be strong and be there for me, no matter what.

Well, "I" am here for me now. He raised me like a boy and here I am. Standing alone. I'm strong for me. I am and will always be the man in my life.
And my father would have been proud and happy to know I stand alone.
I am my father's daughter after all. The good and the bad, it's all there. In my genes. Carved into my DNA.

Happy birthday daddy-o.
I miss you more every year.

Tags: after my father's death, anniversary, birthdays, dear diary, father

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