Mother is going into surgery today. Chemo has worked well. Step one lasted 7 months. So now we are in step 2. The surgery.
After that it's radiation.
We are hoping it all goes well. The surgery will last 2 hours. She is going under at around 10:00
So I will haunt the hospital all day.
I have been here before. So many times.
Attending to people in hospitals. Waiting for hours on end outside operation rooms. Falling asleep on uncomfortable chairs.
For being a healthy person,
and not being a nurse, I have spent a great deal of my life in Hospitals.
This is not a complaint. It's an observation.
"But that's why one has children says mom" ;)
I wonder who will take care of me when I am sick and old.
Mister Nobody. That's who. And believe me, I smile saying that, with a sincere sense of acceptance.
I do not want to have children and I am pretty sure that by the age of 70 I will not even have a partner.
I sure as hell wish there was such a thing as karma so I could come back as a Swan or some other shitty bird. But there isn't such thing as fucking karma. We die and disappear like a fart on a windy day.
I will spend the end of my days alone in hospitals or old people homes surrounded by people who don't know me and don't give two shits about me.
But if I am lucky I will die quickly. And that's the only "karma" I request.
Perhaps, this knowledge makes me want to be there for those in need around me.
"I don't want you to feel the way I will when I am alone in a hospital bed"
Is what goes through my head like a mantra when I attend to my loved ones. "I don't want you to feel the loneliness and the irrelevance of your existence. You mean something to me now"
We all dissappear and mean nothing. Our presence on this world means less than nothing. That's why I live one day at a time.
Mother smiles now and all is fine.
Let's do this :)