Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.) (lantichristo) wrote,
Alexandra Norrskèn (N.S.)

Something crappy this way comes

I watched Twilight

I had some time to kill, so this is my review. It contains spoilers so don’t read if you are planning to watch this utter crap!!!


Something crappy this way comes.

What a snooze fest! Get a pillow for falling asleep (and a bucket for potential vomiting)

This abomination of a teenage TV-pilot-drama-like, is a great snooze fest. The actors are so bad they made my teeth hurt. The story is so incredibly juvenile and preposterously tedious, it makes me want to find those responsible pull down their pants and give them a good spanking. There are long pointless scenes of nothing happening. The story and dialogues are so badly written one has to drop their IQ to squid level to be able to follow. I dozed off here and there, and when I was awake I was either angry or annoyed. The writing insults the viewer's intelligence and the terrible acting makes you wonder …

There were though some good aspects. I have to be honest. The fact that the vampires do not turn into hideous monsters under the sun (and die a screaming death) was quite refreshing; I really liked the glittering scene - Perhaps the only beautiful scene throughout the whole film - And the idea of all the extra individual abilities was also a nice touch. I give one point to that. Then the fact that they didn’t show a single fang was a real good thing!!! I mean the movie was ridiculous already, if they would add the typical growling vampire-grimace showing off Halloween-fangs, it would be a comedy. The fang showing factor is one thing that always bothers me in vampire movies. (It is the only thing that turns me off with True Blood for example.) So I have to acknowledge that and give them one more point. And I will give it one more point for good photography.

So other than these three pluses, the rest of the film is totally pathetic. It is a teenage drama for pre-teens. The love story is so ridiculous I don’t know where to begin. It is so exaggerated, it dances on a very small thread between bad drama and comedy. I have to say I laughed many times during painfully long - to kiss or not to kiss - scenes. A wannabe powerful love story turn to sentimental diarrhea.

And what is it with the Dawson’s Creek alike, vampire family? They all looked and acted like a deeply religious Goody Two-Shoes family. The cooking scene was so unintentionally funny, yet disturbing, I didn’t know if I should laugh or ask for my money back.

I give it 3 out of 10



Oh yes and the lead charachter (Robert Pattinson) is so ugly, he makes my labia shrivel

Tags: crap movies, movie reviews, movies, worthless actors

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